On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
