I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
