And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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