Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
