i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
