so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
