He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
