i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
