I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
its liver damage thursday
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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