Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
