i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
