Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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