she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
