How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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