Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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