First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
