my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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