just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
