I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
