What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
