I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
