Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
