I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
