she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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