Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
