do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
