Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
