its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
