Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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