I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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