i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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