Where is the hickey?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
