What a fucking waste of an outfit
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
