i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
