College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
