i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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