she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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