my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
