Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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