....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
