shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
