my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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