btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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