I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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