My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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