GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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