It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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