I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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