My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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