Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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