My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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