I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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