Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
