he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
