i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
