In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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