You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
