2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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