Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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