You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
