we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
