mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
