so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize