Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
