I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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